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Cheap beer and other helpful tips
Published , August 17, 2001, 12:00:01 AM EDT

It's that time of year again. We first saw them this summer: wide-eyed, wandering, trying to look cool even with their parents right there. You know the sight, the pre-freshmen kids here on our illustrious campus for a scant period equal to a fortnight split by a septet of days.

Now they're back as freshmen and guess what? You're in luck kids, because this column is just for you (1st year freshmen.)

This is the stuff they don't tell you on the tour or at Orientation.

There will be times when you have to buy cheap beer. Remember, High Life is the "Champagne of Beers," while Milwaukee's Best is "the Beast." "The Beast" is horrible and should be avoided at all costs, even if it means buying Natty Ice or PBR.

High Life, on the other hand, beats down all other mid-priced beers (this portion of the column brought to you by Miller Brewing Co.)

No matter how much you're parents insist on it, you don't want the "Quiet Dorm."

It is downright frightening to see a dorm where people go to sleep by 11 on a weekend.

There will always be someone older than you telling you how much cooler Athens used to be. When I was a freshman, I was entertained with tales of O'Malley's. You kids will hear about LlamaRama -- the 30 keg, three Llama shindig -- and how much cooler downtown was when all the clubs could stay open until 4 a.m., or wasn't being torn asunder by construction.

Don't be offended, this has been going on for years--the people who told me about O'Malley's were told about how cool the "old" Uptown Lounge was (it's was where Tasty World is now.)

It doesn't matter how old you are, you're never too old to play video games or watch pro wrestling. Shine that piece of advice up real nice, jabroni.

You will see crazy people, but the most deranged are usually speaking at the Tate Center Plaza.

You can go out and party on a school night and still be alright grade-wise. However, it is tricky to do at first.

Ramen noodles and mac n' cheese make for incredible dinners.

Sex does not equal a relationship; a relationship does not equal sex and classes that meet at 8 a.m. equal classes to avoid.

Remember that several bus drivers mistake their buses for NASCAR vehicles, and treat that turn near Sanford Stadium like the Daytona 500--so hold on to something, like that attractive coed next to you.

However, "accidentally" bumping into someone on the bus as a way of breaking the ice is one thing, falling down and looking moronic while possibly taking out several other bus riders in another.

Also, don't get on a bus if you don't know where it's going--if you can't read, transfer to Auburn, Florida, or UT and they'll "learn ya up real gud."

Try your darndest to avoid drinking while you are on any type of medication.

The two do not mix--you're apt to find yourself in a tree, or bouncing quarters off of a girl's posterior, or getting "rock-bottomed" onto a futon,and then not remember any of it later.

That may seem similar to normal drinking, but I assure you--the hangover's much, much worse.

Yes, it's true you don't have to go to class. However, it is worth noting that there are some classes you can do well in without going and some that you have to show up for--I'm not going to tell which are which, you'll have to find out on your own.

Unlike high school, there are no dress codes. Guys let me say this: Beautiful women in tank tops and short shorts can be distracting in class. But I can think of nothing better to distract me--not even football season (trust me, the disrespect we're getting poll-wise will be remedied).

Ladies, I haven't forgotten you: for the lucky ladies who have just arrived, you can look forward to seeing my sculpted abs (if you're really lucky) and chiseled buttocks.

You can bounce a quarter off of them; but don't do that if you've been drinking while on sinus medication.

-- Will Mosher is a junior in English who wanted a funny quip to appear here, but couldn't think of anything.

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