It's that time of year again. We first saw them this summer:
wide-eyed, wandering, trying to look cool even with their parents
right there. You know the sight, the pre-freshmen kids here on our
illustrious campus for a scant period equal to a fortnight split by a
septet of days.
Now they're back as freshmen and guess what? You're in luck
kids, because this column is just for you (1st year freshmen.)
This is the stuff they don't tell you on the tour or at Orientation.
There will be times when you have to buy cheap beer. Remember,
High Life is the "Champagne of Beers," while Milwaukee's Best is
"the Beast." "The Beast" is horrible and should be avoided at all
costs, even if it means buying Natty Ice or PBR.
High Life, on the other hand, beats down all other mid-priced
beers (this portion of the column brought to you by Miller Brewing
No matter how much you're parents insist on it, you don't want the
It is downright frightening to see a dorm where people go to sleep
by 11 on a weekend.
There will always be someone older than you telling you how
much cooler Athens used to be. When I was a freshman, I was
entertained with tales of O'Malley's. You kids will hear about
LlamaRama -- the 30 keg, three Llama shindig -- and how much
cooler downtown was when all the clubs could stay open until 4
a.m., or wasn't being torn asunder by construction.
Don't be offended, this has been going on for years--the people
who told me about O'Malley's were told about how cool the "old"
Uptown Lounge was (it's was where Tasty World is now.)
It doesn't matter how old you are, you're never too old to play video
games or watch pro wrestling. Shine that piece of advice up real
You will see crazy people, but the most deranged are usually
speaking at the Tate Center Plaza.
You can go out and party on a school night and still be alright
grade-wise. However, it is tricky to do at first.
Ramen noodles and mac n' cheese make for incredible
Sex does not equal a relationship; a relationship does not equal
sex and classes that meet at 8 a.m. equal classes to avoid.
Remember that several bus drivers mistake their buses for
NASCAR vehicles, and treat that turn near Sanford Stadium like the
Daytona 500--so hold on to something, like that attractive coed
next to you.
However, "accidentally" bumping into someone on the bus as a
way of breaking the ice is one thing, falling down and looking
moronic while possibly taking out several other bus riders in
Also, don't get on a bus if you don't know where it's going--if you
can't read, transfer to Auburn, Florida, or UT and they'll "learn ya up
Try your darndest to avoid drinking while you are on any type of
The two do not mix--you're apt to find yourself in a tree, or bouncing
quarters off of a girl's posterior, or getting "rock-bottomed" onto a
futon,and then not remember any of it later.
That may seem similar to normal drinking, but I assure you--the
hangover's much, much worse.
Yes, it's true you don't have to go to class. However, it is worth
noting that there are some classes you can do well in without
going and some that you have to show up for--I'm not going to tell
which are which, you'll have to find out on your own.
Unlike high school, there are no dress codes. Guys let me say
this: Beautiful women in tank tops and short shorts can be
distracting in class. But I can think of nothing better to distract
me--not even football season (trust me, the disrespect we're
getting poll-wise will be remedied).
Ladies, I haven't forgotten you: for the lucky ladies who have just
arrived, you can look forward to seeing my sculpted abs (if you're
really lucky) and chiseled buttocks.
You can bounce a quarter off of them; but don't do that if you've
been drinking while on sinus medication.
-- Will Mosher is a junior in English who wanted a funny quip to
appear here, but couldn't think of anything.